Hundreds and thousands of music lovers each year spend their hard earned cash for three days encased in mud, deprived of sleep, fruit and veg and running water. In fact, thinking about it, the music festival’s appeal is incredible considering all it entails. What is it about this outdoor life that folks like? Watching arena bands is hygienic, you won’t get rained on and the sound is infinitely clearer.

But I was only judging “the festival” on a superficial level, having never attended one, so I recruited several festival virgins and off we went to get a proper feel for the dirty side of life.

Before You Begin
When it comes to camping, planning is key, and it becomes even more essential at a festival. Be sure to not take too much, you’ll only berate yourself as you’re trudging the two miles to find a place to set up home!

Before any of that though, you must first decide which festival to experience. And the choice is endless? Of course there are constraints, money being paramount. Some of the smaller festivals are free for those on a tighter budget, but the more well known ones can cost well over a hundred quid.

Here in Portsmouth, we are close enough to many, and so after cash, great music is the main criteria. If you’re into metal, there’s Download, for world music attend Womad, there’s Gatecrasher for you dance freaks and for the indie chart fans there’s Reading, V, Glasto, Isle of Wight... I could go on.

The Festival
Collectively we chose GuilFest. It’s not far, under £100 and had a wide range of acts over the three days. Being on the smaller side with a capacity of just 24,000, it was more likely to be cleaner and was awash with flushing toilets – a must for us virgins!

What to Take
There are several essentials that you truly can’t do without: a sleeping bag (surprisingly easy to forget, eh Sam?), a pillow, suntan lotion, toilet roll, some waterproof attire (just in case), some warmer attire (no matter how hot it is in the day, you will need this), a torch and wet wipes. Our packing was of military precision (apart from pillows), and so with our long hair plaited to keep it manageable and our beer and wine carefully surrounded by ice, we were off.

What to Expect
With the car park next to the camping arena, our long trek to find a suitable place to settle was considerably shorter than I anticipated. Under an hour carrying your entire belongings plus 24 cans of Fosters and a guitar is good going apparently! The family atmosphere was ever present, unsurprisingly as it is billed as a smaller scale Glasto, with lots of activities for kids of all ages.

Kidzone had some amazingly talented performers such as stilt walkers, balloon makers and puppeteers, and there were also fun rides, face painting, games and drawing. With under twelve’s getting in free and under sixteen’s paying a discounted price, it’s easy to see why Guilfest qualifies as a fantastic family holiday.

What to Enjoy
Don’t be duped into thinking festivals are all about the music. Of course the acts are important, and the inclusion of several bands can choose your festival for you. But take it from me, when you have a gap in your hectic scheduling of music, take a look around and see what else there is on offer.

Even though Guilfest is one of the smaller of its kind, there were still six music stages and a comedy tent. We whiled away a good few hours out of the sun (thank God) laughing at sick, poor and politically incorrect jokes! And for those of you who can’t do without modern technology even for one weekend, well Guilfest had that covered too.

The Nintendo Marquee was packed with over eighty of the latest console games to use for free, and while the kids were gaming, an eclectic selection of comedians and singers ambled onto the small stage to entertain the adults. Some were a little too near the knuckle what with the youngsters present, but I chortled along anyway!

For the act-ors, darling, the Theatre Tent showed performance after performance all day and night, whilst the hundreds of stalls offered a diverse enough range of services and goodies to keep any shopaholic happy.

There are things on sale at festivals that you’ll never find anywhere else, from bubble swords to soft massage tocandle boats made out of recycled tin cans! And there are even useful items, like sunhats, collapsible chairs and shades.

Final Thought
At one time or another, everyone –and I mean everyone- should experience a festival. For your money you get to see an entire plethora of bands, learn all about the fun of camping and get to experience the unique atmosphere!

It may rain, the toilets may stink and some festival-goers may seem a little off the wall – in the space of half an hour, I was offered a free spank and some free spam! Yet the overwhelming feeling, you will have on your drive home, disheveled, broken voiced and dirty, will be one of contentment!